What NOT to say to a woman who has experienced a pregnancy loss
1. Now you have an angel looking after you.
I don’t want an angel, I want my baby back.
2. It’s for the best.
Best for whom?
3. There must have been something wrong…
Wrong with me?
4. A lot of women have miscarriages. It’s perfectly normal.
I don’t care if it’s normal, it’s happening to me and my child. There’s nothing perfect about it.
5. You can always have another.
This baby was lost, not another. This dream has been lost. Another baby won’t make this go away.
6. It was god’s will
I don’t need to hear that God wanted my baby dead.
7. At least you didn’t know your baby.
Whether you held your baby in your arms or only in your mind, this baby is real.
8. Did you do something you weren’t supposed to do?
Did I cause this? How could I have hurt my baby?
9. I understand how you feel.
Even if you have had a miscarriage, every one feels their grief uniquely.
10. Have you ever thought of not having children?
Yes, I probably have. I realize that I may never be a mother.
11. Be grateful for the children you have…
It isn’t a question of being ungrateful or not appreciating what I have.
12. It wasn’t even a baby yet.
It wasn’t your baby. Denying my babies existence only worsens my pain.
DO SAY…
1. I’m sorry for your loss
2. I’m here for you
3. Be patient with yourself and give yourself time to heal
4. Here is my number. If you need someone to just shut up and listen, call me
Please remember that grief is delicate and individualized.
We’ve seen instances of people bringing up their pets death or abortion to a woman who just lost a baby. While these are traumatic in their serious way, it will not comfort a woman who has just endured the loss of her pregnancy. We’ve read still other stories of people saying things like “You didn’t really want to gain all that weight anyway” and “In a few weeks you can try again”. Needless to say, this didn’t ease the pain these mothers were feeling.
